Smeagol's ALIVE! And In Canada
by Luinramwen
Summary: Our favourite evil, mutated hobbit-person falls into Earth and lands on a girl named Ria. Thought up during extreme boredom, so it is weird. PG for a few swears.RR.
1. AiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaOOF!

A/N - so yeah. This is not your ordinary Middle-Earth-character-falls-into-Earth-story. This may actually be kinda original. Maybe. I doubt it. Anyhow, enjoy.

Disclaimer - I own nothing. I even borrowed this computer to write this story one from a good friend of mine who could not bear to see me suffer, alone, in my tiny, cramped and dark jail cell, with nowhere to write fanfiction down. Erenriel Dreamweaver, I owe you one. Btw, go look at her stuff! She needs to update (aHEM!) but what the heck, read it anyways. So here we go (at last!!) Read and review, or I won't know if you want me to write more and I shall come after you with a kitchen knife unless you review. Wait, I didn't really mean that. I'm not homicidal. Yet.

*****************************

****

Ch. 1 - Aiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!(oof!)

Ria was sleeping. At that moment which we interrupt her repose, she was having a particularly good dream about a certain elf with long blond hair who is damn hot, who had taken it into his head to kidnap her. (A/N - I actually had that dream. V. cool.)

Just as that certain elf was about to tie her up and carry her off into the sunset, something out of the ordinary happened.

Something hit her stomach like a thousand tons of bricks, or a cat thrown at high velocity from the top of a building. "Oof!"

"Aiyaaaaaaa!" whatever it was screamed in a harsh, raspy voice. Oh, great, Ria thought, It's alive. Her stomach clenched in fear.

It certainly was alive. It struggled and wriggled, tangling itself until it was caught inextricably in her bedsheets. "Ach! It hurts us! We cannot breathe! Let us out!"

There's more than one of them? Ria thought in dismay. She heaved the entire mass of sheets off her bed and onto the floor, and began sorting through the mess.

It was pitch-black in her room, so she couldn't see whatever it was that she was untangling, but then it bit her. "Phwaw! Nassty, not good food for poor hungry Smeagol!" it said as it spit her finger (still, however, firmly attached to her hand, thank goodness) out of its mouth.

Ria's heart nearly stopped. Had she heard correctly? Smeagol?! Oh. My. GOD! she thought. It couldn't be. It just couldn't be.

She flicked on the light as the creature finally managed to disentangle itself from the mess that had been her bedcovers. "Oh my god," she said aloud. "Oh man."

A small, skinny - that was the kindest word she could think of to describe it - greenish-black creature with enormous gleaming green eyes sat cowering on her carpet. "Don't hurt us," it whimpered, rocking back and forth, clutching its knees to its skinny chest. "Nice Smeagol, won't hurt you. Be nice. Not like master. Nasssty hobbitses, tried to tricks us. But we got them, yes we did. Our Precious is back!" Suddenly it looked up, eyes wide with fear. "Nooooooo!" it screamed, scrabbling through the blankets as though searching for something. "It is gone! We were tricksded! Nasssty cruel hobbitses playing mean games with poor Smeagol! His Precious is gone!"

Smeagol (Ria decided that she would believe him for now) burst into tears.

Ria began to feel rather sorry for him. "Smeagol," she said gently. "What are you talking about? What's wrong?"

"My Precious, my Precious is gone. They tooks it from us, the nasty tricksy creatures. Oh my poor Precious. Smeagol has lost you again," he moaned, seeming in an agony of grief.

"Look, uh, Smeagol, if you've lost your Precious then maybe there's a good reason for it," Ria tried to explain, knowing well the history of the One Ring and Smeagol's obsession with it - and just as glad that he had lost it, because if memory served her correctly, he had last been holding it with Frodo's finger still attached. Yuck! "You've gotta quit it cold turkey, OK?"

"What'sss cold turkey, my Precious? What's cold turkey?"

"It's an expression," Ria said. "It means you stop doing something with no weaning off it, just stop. Right. There. And. Never. Do. It. Again. Clear?"

"What'ss weaning, my Precious? What's that?"

"Never you mind. It doesn't matter." Ria sighed. She had always hoped for a LoTR character to drop into her world (in this case, literally) but she would never have thought of that character being Gollum.

***************************

A/N- so there you go. Ch. 1 down, 1 244 350 776 375 more to go. Just joking. I think. (I do?! *Knocks against her skull* Bong, bong, bong. Guess not, no brain.)


	2. Smeagol's a, Er, Thief

A/N - so, here we go again. On to Ch. 2. What madness awaits these two reluctant companions?

Disclaimer - I still own nothing. But at least I'm out of jail and on parole. ;-) Don't worry, I wasn't imprisoned for trying to kill my fanfic readers who don't review. Yet.

****************************

****

Smeagol's A @#$!&%* Thief

"Ria?" she heard her mom call out sleepily from downstairs. "Is something wrong? What's all the noise in aid of?"

"Nothing mom. Just fell out of my bed. Go back to sleep." Crap, she thought. Totally forgot how hard this will be to hide from my parents. They'd go totally nutsoid if they knew.

Gollum looked at her curiously. "What'sss that?"

"Shh. My mom. We've gotta talk quieter, or she'll want to know what's going on."

Gollum looked crafty. "We knows how to keep secrets, silly girl. Smeagol's a sneak."

Ria rolled her eyes. "We're not back into that nonsense are we? Don't call yourself that or I'll think of something worse to call you." Her tone turned threatening.

"Smeagol will be good," he promised, eyes wide. "Very good. Don't hurt Smeagol!"

He'd laugh, she thought, if he knew that the only way I could hurt him is to pull a kitchen knife on him.

"All right." Ria sat down, cross-legged, on the floor. "Here's the facts that you need to know. Sit still when I'm talking to you! And don't touch that, you @#$!&%* thief!" as he reached for her shiny birthstone ring that lay on her desk.

"Yes, silly girl. Smeagol's a @#$!&%* thief. We knows it, oh yes we does." His tone was as sardonic as she had ever thought to hear it.

Ria had to laugh. "By the way, Smeagol, my name's not 'silly girl' it's Ria. But just listen now. You need to know this. See, you're not in Middle-Earth any more. You're on a world called Earth. It is very different from what you're used to. Right now you are in a town called Eyebrow, in the midst of the province Saskatchewan which is a lot like Rohan, if you've ever been there. You are in a country called Canada. Remember the machines in Mordor? Well, Earth's got stuff like that, only a hundred times more advanced. I'll show you around a bit tomorrow, if I can, but we'll have to do something to disguise you, because no offense, you are not exactly what you'd call normal-looking. Not that there's much to see in Eyebrow, but what the heck, I'll do the best I can. You're lucky we don't live in a big city."

"Silly Ria, Smeagol will be very very good. Not hurt silly Ria that did not hurt us. Be nice to her. Will not be a @#$!&%* thief any more."

"That's good to hear, Smeagol, very good to hear." Ria smiled, relieved.

*****************************

A/N - a v. short Ch. 2, but oh well. I needed to explain some stuff to Gollum. You wait, there'll be more excitement coming soon. Ria and Smeagol are goin' to the big city! 

Note: Yes, Eyebrow is a REAL TOWN. I found it one day when I was extremely bored and looking through the atlas for funny names. You would not believe some of the names I found. So I used it because I could not think of any other place names that I actually know what it would v. likely look like.


	3. Nasssty Pink!

A/N - Ch.3, friends. Oh joy. Thanks to all my reviewers. And before I forget - please note the little purple button at the bottom of the screen when you finish reading this chapter. Move the little arrow on your screen over the button and click on it. Thank you.

Disclaimer - I own nothing, but at least I am off parole now. ;-) If I wait a few months, I can try to kidnap Orlando Bloom again PDQ. Yay!! Maybe this time I won't get caught. Anyone got any ideas for a supersecret kidnapping attempt?...

A/N - yeah, I was put in the slammer for Attempted Kidnapping Of A Hot Actor. Yeah, I was in for ten months. Yeah, thank goodness, I'm finally done with it (jail, not kidnapping Orlando), hopefully forever. Now that that's clear, on with the story...

*****************************

****

Nasssty Pink!

Ria woke in the morning and barely managed to suppress a scream. Bulging, gleaming green eyes stared down at her. Her heart slowed, gradually, as she remembered the unexpected events of the night before. "Smeagol!"

"Yes, yes, silly Ria is finally awake! Must hurry. Yellow Face is hidden. We has much to do."

"The sun's not shining?" Ria groaned. "Is it raining?"

"Little bits of water fall from the sky," Gollum informed her. "Smeagol may be a @#$!&%* thief but he can tell when it is raining, oh yes my Precious."

"Right," Ria mumbled. "Leave me alone and go back to sleep."

"Silly Ria promised us that she would show us around town. Silly Ria must keep her promise."

"All right, all right," Ria said, tumbling out of bed. "Hold your horses. I'm coming."

"What's 'hold your horses' Precious? What's that?"

"Oh for crying out loud stop with the questions!"

It took a long time for Ria to find a suitable disguise for Gollum. For one thing, it is not easy to find clothing that is not too girly or too large in the closet of a teenaged girl for a pint-sized thing that walks like a monkey and is 500 years old. For another, Gollum hated everything that she suggested.

"This?" she asked, holding up a hoodie that she had outgrown.

"Phwaw! Not nice!"

"How about these shoes?"

"Hates shoeses!"

"What about these pants?" she said, proffering a pair that she had last worn when she was five.

"No! Nassty colour! Hates pink."

"This jacket might fit you," Ria offered wearily.

"No! We hates it! Clothes not nice!"

"Well you've got to wear something! Geez, this is all I have! You don't have any choice. I could make it worse for you. I have old dresses that would probably fit you. I have some nail polish, neon purple, and some ribbons that we could put in your hair. Would you prefer that?" Ria was cuttingly sarcastic.

Meekly, Smeagol said, "Wear nice green shirt -" meaning her hoodie. "That will be good. Smeagol will be good. Very good. Don't mock poor Smeagol, even if he is a @#$!&%* thief."

"Good," Ria grumbled, throwing the hoodie at him. "Put it on and we'll get going. But you'd better put on the shoes too. Great ugly duck feet like yours will attract too much attention."

********************************

A/N - yeah, yeah, it's slow so far. Don't worry. Action will - hopefully - be coming up.


	4. Duh!

A/N- Gollum is introduced to the wonders of the 21st-century, and a lot of lying occurs. Oh joy.

Disclaimer - I STILL own absolutely nothing that belongs to LoTR, though I am trying to figure out a way to convince the Tolkien family that I am a long-lost niece twice removed. Oh yeah, and Yayness! I'm out of jail! *does Gollum's happy circle dance* I am free! Smeagol is freeee!....*ahem* Anyways, on with the story.

****

Duh!

But none of this came to be. Before Ria could attempt to sneak Gollum out of her room, her mom knocked on the door. "Ria, you up?"

"Quick!" she hissed. "Hide!" Gollum blinked in confusion.

"Damn you," Ria muttered. "Yes Mom, come on in," Ria made her voice sound innocent.

Her mother opened the door just as Gollum figured out what she had meant and scampered out of sight. "Ria! Your room's a mess! Why are all these old clothes flung all over the floor?"

"I was, uh, getting some stuff together to take to the Salvation Army."

"Well, clean it up before you come get any breakfast, OK?"

"Yes Mom."

"Oh, and Ria, don't forget that on Sunday we're going in to Saskatoon to the airport."

"Mom, how could I forget? I've been waiting to go visit Tanya for months!" Tanya was her older sister who lived in Ontario. She had left home two years ago and during the holidays Ria always went to visit her. She and Tanya were very close.

"Right," her mom conceded.

Her mom left then, thankfully satisfied with that. Her mom tended to be slightly taciturn, direct and to the point. 

Ria shook her head in dismay as Smeagol climbed out from under her bed. "We're never gonna be able to sneak you past her. This is not working. I wish you'd never shown up!"

"What about the window, precious? What about the window, eh?"

Ria slapped her forehead. "Duh! Why didn't I think of that?"

"Because she is a silly stupid girl, and Smeagol's a sneaking @#$!&%* thief."

"Oh, shut up."

*~*~*~*~*~*

If anyone had happened to be standing in the alleyway a few minutes later, and if that person had happened to be looking at Ria's house, and if that person had happened to look up at Ria's window at that certain moment, they would have seen a strange sight. A small, monkey-like creature that looked vaguely human, wearing a green hoodie with the words "Eyebrow Eagles" emblazoned on the back and fuzzy pink slippers, was struggling and cursing as an exasperated girl tried to force him out the window.

"Oh for crying out loud, Smeagol, it's not that far! You've climbed down worse! Just jump!"

"Nasssty cold wet day! We cannot climb on wet ssstuff!"

"Smeagol, jump! Or I'll push you!"

"Aiyaaaaaaaa!" Gollum shrieked as he lost his grip on the windowsill. He fell, and landed on a rosebush. "Aiyaaaa! Aiyaaa! It hurts us, it does! Aiyaaa!"

"Shut up!" hissed Ria. It took a second for Ria to swing herself up onto the windowsill, and she tensed herself for the drop. "Move, Smeagol!" She dropped, catlike and much more gracefully than Gollum, down to the wet grass. "See, that wasn't so difficult," she told Gollum, who was still cursing, and plucking thorns and leaves from his skin and bedraggled hair. Ria took one step and slipped on the grass. She landed hard on her rear. "Ow!"

Gollum chuckled maliciously. "Not so high and mighty now, are we, preciousss? Come now, let'sss get going!" He danced on ahead, and Ria followed.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A/N - ah, finally, I have updated this! I'm sorry I slacked off after the first chapters. Thanks to my reviewers, who, though few, are mostly loyal. (Smeagol is the coolest, I agree, Artemis. You should meet my sister. She adores Smeagol and thinks he is the _cutest_. 'Course, she also loves Dobby, and she thinks slugs are kinda cute too, so go figure) 

Yayness! The judge also agreed to cut my parole short, as I have been "very very good", just like Smeagol! *does the happy circle dance* 


	5. Can You Say 'Doomed?

A/N - Ok. I have reeeeaaally been slacking off lately. But I have a good reason! I was in Italy and Greece! For two weeks! It's the truth, I swear. It was really cool. I'm giving a roasted lamb and some penne to anyone who reviewed me, plus a gelato of your favourite flavour for dessert. What the hell, if you review me in the next couple days, you'll get a gelato anyways. (I've been forced into the business of shameless self-promotion and bribery because people have stopped reading my stuff! X,-0 ) Btw, sorry, Erenriel the Elven Canuck, for disgracing the proud name of our school team, but I could think of absolutely nothing else to use. What, did you want me to put "The Eyebrow Rings" or something dumb like that on the hoodie? 

Disclaimer - I own nothing. This time it's the absolute truth. I even borrowed the stupid monitor that I am writing this on right now, because ours died about a week back. Whoever it was who offered me some supersecret kidnapping plans (I'm sorry, I don't have the Internet up right now, I'm just writing this and I can't remember your name *sheepish grin*) I'm willing to take you up on it. Pleeeease e-mail me with the plans!! Btw, I'm going for even bigger game this time. Not just Orlando, but - well, you'll probably find out. It'll probably be in all the newspapers before long. Because this time I'm gonna SUCCEED!!

Can You Say 'Doomed'?

In spite of the rain, Ria was forced to hide Gollum several times with her body when someone from school came walking by on the main street of Eyebrow. Gollum was getting a little ticked off at her paranoia - she could tell, because he was starting to grumble and make that noise in his throat whenever someone approached in the distance.

At last, Ria decided to take refuge in the museum. There was one in Eyebrow, despite the fact that it was small. It was mostly just a few exhibits on pioneers and Indians in the area, with a few rusted pieces of farm equipment. Though always open, it was practically guaranteed to be deserted on a day like today.

When Ria hustled Gollum in through the door, the first thing she noticed, as always, was the permanent gloom and the dust. It always looked and smelled the same whether in summer or winter.

Gollum shook himself dry of rainwater, just like a dog, and bounded off into the dark. Ria could hear his mutterings, and she sank down onto the sideboard of an old Model T, following Gollum with her ears.

"Ach!" Gollum sneezed several times. "Nassty rain, nassty dussty place! Smeagol is choking." Ria heard him sniff the old tractor and then patter over to a display of arrowheads. "Pointy they are, yesss, yesss, like the Elveses they are. But Elves don't make sssuch crude, nassty things. Fair the Elven arrows are, oh yess, fair and sssharp as the rockss on Gorgoroth. Yes, yess..." Gollum sneezed again. "What's this, preciouss? What is it?" A sharp, excited note entered Gollum's voice, and Ria felt a ripple of premonition run down her spine. She got to her feet and quietly slipped over to where Gollum was standing.

"It is! Yess, it is! O my Precious, I have found you again at lassst!"

Ria choked back a scream as Gollum danced around joyfully, cradling a shining little circle of gold to his scrawny chest.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A/N - Ah, a twist. Well, not really. You probably all saw that one coming a long ways off. But you have not even seen the tip of the iceberg yet. I'd feel sorry for Ria. Unless you're of the sadistic type, of course.


	6. Where There's The Ring, There's?

A/N - If I say too much, I'll spoil the surprises in the next chapter. Take two guesses what shows up next...

Disclaimer - *checks* Nope, still own nothing. Sorry. (Of course, if I DID own the rights to anything LoTR-related, I wouldn't tell you. Then I would be mobbed by fangirls, all foaming at the mouth, demanded I hand over the rights to [insert chosen heartthrob here]. I still want to live!)

Where There's The Ring, There's....

"No," Ria whispered, sliding down off the sideboard in disbelief and horror. "No!"

"Yess, yess, my Precious, oh, my Precious!" Gollum rejoiced.

"Smeagol," Ria croaked. "Come here."

"No! You wants the Precious! You can't have it! It's mine, my own! My love, my own... my Precioussssss..."

"Smeagol, get over here NOW or I will get the dress!"

Gollum sulked, but against such a threat he had no defence, and reluctantly he slouched over to where Ria was standing.

"Smeagol," Ria said tremulously. "Is that really the Precious?"

"Yes, it is! It's mine, my own -"

"Yeah, I know. Shut up, I'm trying to think..." Ria's mind was whirling out of control. What could she do now? She had to get rid of it. That much was obvious. But how? And where? How could she destroy it if she had no idea where to go? At least in Middle-Earth Frodo knew where to go to destroy it, Ria thought miserably. The only problem was in getting there. _Here_, however, I need not only to get there, I need to find out where the hell I'm supposed to destroy it in the first place. And there's no Rivendell, no wise Lord Elrond to tell me what to do...

Gollum was stroking his Precious, murmuring to it. Ria watched, sickened. The Ring had already poisoned Gollum's mind, but it would poison him more if she didn't do something about it. But what could she do? Would they have to go through all the pain of destroying the Ring all over again? Where could they go?

Ria leaned back against the car behind her and closed her eyes, her mind racing as she desperately tried to figure out a plan. Could she just throw it in the ocean? There was no Sauron here to search it out, thank goodness. Who knew if the Ring had the power to corrupt Earth-people like it did to the people of Middle-Earth? Was the only reason it was still affecting Gollum because he was originally from Middle-Earth? She hoped she could just toss it in the Pacific or something, she really did. If not, she would have to find a very active volcano, and finding one and getting there would be much more difficult than just -

Suddenly, Ria was aware of the pounding of hoofbeats somewhere in the street. What could that be? she wondered. The Riding Club didn't meet on Saturdays...

Her mind made a leap to the impossible. Oh, NO. As if she didn't have enough troubles already...

In the street, she heard the high, unearthly ululation of what was unmistakeably a Nazgul. Ria's heart froze. We're all gonna die, she thought bleakly.

Gollum shrieked in horror. "_No_! It is the Eye'sss servants, hisss servantss of death! They will find us, they will seek us out! They will destroy usss! Go away," he whimpered, scampering under the Model T and cowering there. "Go away! Go to sleep -" And Ria knew that in his insanity, Gollum was no longer on Earth. He was back in Middle-Earth, leading the hobbits across the Dead Marshes, with the Nazgul swooping about them and the potency of the Eye beating down upon them. "Don't look at us," he moaned. "Don't look at me! Go away!"

Without warning, there was a pounding at the museum door. Ria couldn't hold back a shriek as she too, scrambled under the car to cower next to Gollum. The poor thing was whimpering in pure terror. Ria knew that he had had way more experience with the Nazgul than she had - obviously, and remembering some of the things Tolkien had told of them, she was inclined to join Gollum in whimpering. But in the next moment, the Nazgul had broken the door down (Solid metal, Ria thought in amazed fright. They broke through it as though it were wood. We're all gonna _die_!), and were swarming in, swords drawn.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A/N - aaaaaahh! Action at last!


	7. Shriek! Eeyaaaaugh! Aiyeeeee!

A/N - This chapter may be a little odd, but what the heck, who cares. I had to keep it from getting too grim. Apologies to all my sadistic readers. I'm not good at writing horror. At any rate, if you don't like it, review or e-mail me - the usual procedure - and I'll try to change other chapters in the future.

Disclaimer - as I hoped, I am writing this chapter from Middle-Earth. I'm staying in Bag-End right now, then I plan to do a bit of wandering for the next couple months. I will still try to update as much as possible. I will try to give you an update from Rivendell, maybe two, because Bilbo says it is very beautiful there, and I would really like to stay a good long while. Oh, right. Disclaimer. I own nothing except the tea-cosy Bilbo gave me. He's so sweet. :-)

Shriek! Eeeyaaagh! Aiyeeeeeee!

Ria felt the chill in the air that always accompanied the Nazgul everywhere they went, and she felt dizzy. Gollum was silent now, struck dumb with terror perhaps, and Ria had a wild hope that the Nazgul might miss them.

"Where isss the Ring?" she heard one of the Nazgul hiss. The others wailed their eerie cry.

Gollum let out an inadverdant cry of fear.

In a split second, the Nazgul had the two dragged out from under the car. Ria curled up into a ball, trying to shield as much of herself as possible from the Morgul blades poised above her. Gollum lay there, whimpering and clenching his Precious tight in his fist.

"Where isss the Ring?"

Ria gulped. "Ring? I don't know what you're talking about. I'm sure if you've lost a ring of yours it can't be all that hard to replace. Just go to any jewelers' store with a drawing of the original and they'll make you another, good as new. And would you mind putting away those swords? I have a bit of a phobia about sharp pointy objects aimed at my head."

Surprisingly enough, the Ringwraiths withdrew their swords. They didn't sheathe them, but they were no longer poised to strike. Ria allowed herself to draw a breath of air. 

"Doesss ssshhhe ssspeak truth?" one Nazgul questioned another. He appeared to shrug. Though Ria would never have thought the Nazgul capable of shrugging, she had also never thought that one day she would be holding a conversation with them.

"Sthe thpeakth truth," replied the other Nazgul - with a very heavy lithp - sorry, _lisp_. If it had been any other time than this, Ria would have burst out laughing. As it was, she didn't think now was the appropriate time.

"What must one do to find the Ring in this world?" raged another, surprisingly without a lisp or hissing s's. His articulation was really quite good.

"Och, we're better off now than we were, with the mountain of doom spittin' rocks and lava at our heads, while our Lord's tower came a-crumbling down, and the Orcs and men scatterin' to all the corners of the earth," commented another with a Scottish lilt to his voice. Ria shook her head and pinched herself. This was really just _too_ weird.

Gollum was still rocking back and forth, clutching the Ring to his chest. "Nooo," he moaned, "nassty cruel Nazgul, come to take it from uss."

"It?" The Nazgul with the good articulation said, suddenly suspicious. "You have IT?"

"Would someone please tell me what's going on?" Ria pleaded, desperately playing for time. If the Nazgul actually bothered to stop and talk to each other, perhaps they weren't really so bad as everyone made out.

"Wal, gurl," said one, drawling like a Texan (which really sounded extremely funny coming from a black robed undead man), "Ah reckon that yew've hurd of the Wan Ring?"

"The Wan Ring?" Ria repeated, feeling laughter bubbling up in her throat in spite of herself.

"Yeah. Sow yew've hurd of it?"

"Ah recko - I mean, I guess so."

"Wal, that's whut we're lookin' fur."

"Oh," Ria said.

The drawling Nazgul was smacked upside the cowl by the hissing one. "You idiot! You do not jussst tell anyone we come acrosss that we are looking for our Lord'sss Ring of Power!"

"Your friend has he the Power Ring?" said another.

"Whaaa - ?"

"Your friend has he the Power Ring?"

"Nnnoooo..." Ria's lips were raw, from biting on them to keep from laughing. So _these_ were the real Nazgul? I think Tolkien exaggerated their fearsomeness just a little, she thought. 

She could not believe her luck - though, to consider being saddled with the Nazgul and Gollum as luck just proved how much her view of luck had changed in a day or two.

"Confound the luck!" cried another with a strong English accent. "I say, this is a right good pickle we've got ourselves into. Spot on, O Head One!"

At this point, Gollum tried to dash away. The Nazgul with the drawl caught him by the scruff of his neck before he'd gotten far. "Howld on now, sonny boy. We ain't gonna hurt yew none." Gollum choked as the Ringwraith's hand yanked him back. His grip loosened, and the Ring rolled out of his clutching fingers and onto the floor.

"The Ring!" they all yelped in their various accents. "Shrreeeeeiik! Eeyaaaaaugh! Aiyeeeeeee!" added one Ria had not heard speak before.

Ria shouted desperately, "_Wait_!"

They stopped. Ria was surprised at how much they obeyed her. It was really rather odd.

"How are you planning to get the Ring back to Sauron? Your lord holds no sway in this world. I think you will find it very difficult to find your way back home. I suggest that we work together."

Murmurs of surprise from the Nazgul.

"Since Sauron holds no power here, I would suggest that we forget about him entirely."

"You joking are tell me!"

"Whut a loawd of horse-patooties!"

"I concur. On the whole, the female's concept is deficient in signification."

"I say, that's a bit of a stretch, missie!"

"Never, in my years of bein' Ringwraith, have I heard such presumption. I couldna accept such an idea, lassie."

"Sssilly little human! You mussst be mad!"

"Eeeyaaaagh! Shreeeeee! Aiyeeeee!"

"Thith ith not good! Thith ith very bad!"

"Young lady, you cannot simply presume to usurp our loyalty to our master. Have you any proof he has no power here?"

"No proof," Ria admitted, "but a great deal of reason. There are many people here in this world who would be willing to take the Ring and use it for their own purposes. They are the ones who would usurp your loyalty to your master. My idea is to leave Sauron out of this, as he has no jurisdiction here. Start everything fresh, and find a way to keep the Ring from falling into the wrong hands."

"Cannot I believe implications this of the!"

"You must," persisted Ria, wondering, deep down, where she was getting all this from. "We can't risk anything else."

"The maid is right," piped up Scottish Lilt. "We canna afford to play by rules from the world of auld. I believe we would do worse, if we didna follow her, wherever she may lead. She knows the lands a sight better than we do."

"Ah reckon the gurl's been sniffin' the silage," shrugged Texan Drawl. "Bhut whut alse can we do? She may be rahght."

"Shreeeee! Eeeyaaargh! WheeeeEEEee!" said the Squealer.

"He says you're mad, and he's never going to join you," supplied Grammar.

Hissing One glanced around at the others. "With the exsssception of one, I think you have convinsssced usss, misss."

Gollum stared in wonder as the Nazgul, as one, except for the Squealer, sheathed their swords and proceeded to discuss with Ria exactly what their first step should be in their new plan.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A/N - I hope this chapter is a little bit longer than the other ones. I did have to introduce all nine Nazgul, which is a little difficult because now there's eleven characters! Anyways, I will continue the adventures of the Maligned of Middle-Earth, and we shall see what we shall see...


	8. Sorry I'm Late, Mom, I Was Conversing Wi...

A/N - I'm sorry. I've had a bit of writer's block, plus the site wasn't letting me upload anything. It went screwy on both my account and my joint account with my friends - we're Luin, Nuin and Eren. So apologies for those who have been waiting a long time for me to update. (waiting for me to update - ha, that's a laugh and a half!) We begin our journey to destroy the Ring on Earth in awhile.

BTW, thank goodness for the Barrowdowns Name Generator, or the Nazgul wouldn't have names. I was severely stuck, but it helped me out. Go check it out!

Disclaimer - If you've read Adventures of a Desperate Elf *cough*Please*cough*Review *cough* (hint, hint) you know what I own. I only have to add to it a supply of Shire chocolate. What, didn't you know the Shire has chocolate? The best, you know, better than any you can find on Earth.

Sorry I'm Late, Mom, I Was Conversing With Nazgul...

The newly acquainted Nazgul and Ria continued to discuss strategies and possibilities for a long time. The rain continued pouring down outside, and the bleak day seemed to forbid that they do anything but talk.

No one else came into the museum, thank goodness - though it's true that emptiness is a general characteristic of most small-town prairie museums on a rainy day. If anyone had come in, they would have either been terrified out of their minds, or tempted to call the funny farm.

It was nearly seven o'clock when Ria was compelled to check her watch. Her eyes widened in shock. "Damn! I'm sorry, guys, I have to get home or my mom will be furious." She paused, thinking then of a small detail that also needed to be taken care of. "And you guys can't stay here for the night, the caretaker will find you and raise a ruckus." 

Ria gulped, her head spinning as she thought of the consequences if they were caught. Man, she thought, I've never done so many dangerous and likely very stupid things in one day before. "You'll have to stay in my basement tonight. But you'll have to be very, VERY quiet, or we're all in big trouble."

"Big deal no is quiet," shrugged the Nazgul who messed up his words. The others had introduced him as Andwath.

"We'll be fine, lassie, as long as we're causing ye nae trouble," said Lhunath, the former Scottish Lilt, in a reassuring tone.

"The concept is mildly vexatious, but no alternatives gives one sparse selections," shrugged Donarda.

"Screeeeee! Aiyeeeeee! Reeeeeaaaagh!" complained the Squealer.

"He says that he ain't spendin' no tahme in anywan's baysement," translated Texan Drawl, otherwise known as Valin.

"Well you'll just have to deal with it," Ria told Squealer impatiently. "Anything else would cause trouble."

Goraldaion hissed his agreement. "Thisss girl isss no dummy," he said to the Squealer. 

"Let'th get going," urged Telpekemen, his lisp more obvious than before. "It'th getting getting late, and Ria'th parenth will be thtarting to look for her. We mutht be thafe in Ria'th bathement before that happenth."

Ria shook her head as they walked out over the broken door. "What will people say when they find this door lying here tomorrow?"

"Nothing, I hope," said Pherthond. "I say, it's jolly cold out here now. Rather unpleasant weather you have, young gel. Did you say it was summer?"

The word _summer_ suddenly brought Ria to a halt. "Oh no," she moaned, covering her face with her hands. "I have to go visit my sister in Ontario! The plane leaves tomorrow! What can I do?"

Gollum, who up until then had said nothing, still wary of being around the Nazgul, suddenly tugged at Ria's sleeve and said, "Silly Ria has got herself into a big mess?"

"Yeah," Ria said discouragedly.

"Smeagol knows what silly Ria can do! Oh yes, he does. Keep stupid Nazgul in basement, take poor Smeagol with Ria to Ontario!"

"Hey! Ah don' like no slihmy creeter insultin' me!"

"Calm down, Valin," Ria said. "I can't abandon you. I hate to imagine the trouble you'd get in without me." She glared at Gollum.

Suddenly she stiffened. "Quick, hide!" 

They dove off the road and behind the convenience store as they heard the footsteps of someone approaching.

Ria bit back a scream when Lhunath tapped her on the shoulder. "Ria, the horses, we forgot the wee beasties at the museum. Someone will see them, and that will cause nae small mischief."

Ria's heart slowly returned to its normal rate as she replied in a murmur, "We can't take them with us too. We'll have to go back and set them free. People will wonder, but it's better than nothing." 

The other Nazgul were grumbling as they returned to the museum, set the horses free, and practically ran all the way to Ria's house. 

When they were within sight of the lighted windows, they slowed. "All right," Ria said. "There's a storm entrance into a back room. Mom and Dad rarely go in there. As long as you don't make a lot of noise, they won't notice a thing." They crept up to the house, and Ria heaved the door open. Its rusty hinges screeched a protest. Ria cringed.

"Ria? Is that you?" Her father had just come out on the front porch. Ria couldn't see him but she knew it to be so.

"Yes Dad. Sorry I'm late. I'm just putting a few things away before supper. How was work?"

"Good. Ria, where have you been all day? You're mother says she's not seen hide nor hair of you."

"I was... at a friend's house. I guess I should have called."

"Next time be sure you do." He closed the door and went inside.

Ria breathed a sigh of relief. "Whew! Thank goodness my parents are easygoing. I thought we'd had it then."

She hustled the nine Nazgul into her basement with relatively little noise and few complaints. Ria poked her head back in when they were all comfortably established. "You don't need food or water or anything do you?"

"No need of food we have."

"Thank you," said Pennondo, his articulation perfect, as always. "It cannot be easy to deal with wraiths. There seem to be very few in your world."

Ria had to smile. "You're right. See you in the morning. If you come up with any plans I'd be extremely grateful." 

She turned, preparing to close the door. Gollum was slinking off around the house. "Gollum," she warned in a loud whisper. "Come back here. You can't stay in the house again tonight, there's no way I could sneak you in."

Gollum grumbled. "Nazgul are evil. Do not force poor Smeagol to stay with them."

"They'll be good, Gollum, honestly. I don't think they're as bad as you've come to believe. But if you'd rather find yourself in worse hands than the Nazgul - be my guest. I'm sure the police would be pleased to take you in." It was an empty threat - the nearest police station was twenty miles away - but Gollum didn't need to know that.

Sullenly, Gollum loped down the basement steps. Ria shut the door, and prepared to face supper with her parents.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Goodness, Ria, where have you been?" exclaimed her mother.

"At a friend's house," Ria repeated. 

"You should have called, dear. I've been getting worried. Did you finish sorting out the clothes to take to the Salvation Army?"

"Not yet," Ria said, helping herself to some rice. "I'll finish it tonight, and we can take it in when we go to Regina tomorrow."

"You're all packed?"

"I've been packed for a week, Mom. You know that." Ria would still have been pleased about going to see Tanya, her sister, if it hadn't been for the Nazgul and Gollum. Her mind was rapidly coming up with plans to take them with her, and just as rapidly discarding them. It was hopeless. Whatever could she do?

Her thoughts were interupted by a screech and a thump from the basement.

"What was that?" cried her mother.

Hurriedly Ria rose from the table. "I'll go see. It sounded like it was coming from downstairs." She practically flew down the stairs, dreading what she would find.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A/N - I finally got over my writer's block! I'm so happy! It's one of the banes of my existence.

I hope this chapter's all right. I may have trouble with the different accents.


	9. Elrond In The Elevator

A/N - I'm sorry I haven't updated in a long time. First my keyboard died on me (@&$*^&%$^* keyboard |-{ ), then I was on vacation on the West Coast. I've been doing quite a bit of travelling this year. I'll try to update more often, as long as my parents don't kick me outside, which is what they do when they think I'm 'spending my whole life on the computer'.

Disclaimer - you know what I do and don't own, especially if you've read Adventures of A Desperate Elf. All I can add to it is my very own hug from LEGOLAS!

Elrond in the Elevator

Ria hurriedly weaved her way through the junk across the basement floor to the old storeroom. Fumbling with the deadbolt, she finally managed to unlock it and fling it open.

"What on Earth are you guys up to?" she hissed.

The Squealer was sprawled across the floor. Gollum was crouched in a corner, his eyes gleaming green.

"What happened?"

Valin seemed abashed. "Thuh liddle slahmy guy stahrted insuhltin' us. Squealair went after the varmint, but it seems he tripped on suhmthin'."

"That's all?"

"It were no ordinary taunting, lass," Lhunath told Ria in a strained tone. "The wee beastie knows how to strike nerves, by Morgoth he's nae amateur at it."

"Smeagol?" Ria asked, her voice dangerous. "Is this true?"

Gollum snarled. "Nasssty Ria, she brings in the Dark Lord's servants, they will hurt poor Smeagol! Keep them away! Cruel Nazgul, cruel Ria!"

"Would you prefer you were dead after falling into the Cracks of Doom, Smeagol?" Ria snapped. "At least here you're alive, and you have another chance to start over. The Nazgul aren't bad, they really aren't. They could have killed us and taken the Ring but they didn't. They're no more evil than I am!"

"Nasssty Ria, poor Smeagol is on his own again..." muttered Gollum.

"Creature is small slimy the annoying," commented Andwath to Pennondo and Donarda in a low voice.

Exasperated, Ria gave up on Gollum for the moment and looked around at the Nazgul. "No more noise, OK guys? I don't want my parents to find you, they'd totally freak. They're a little tense about this kind of stuff. But my sister isn't. Have any of you thought of a way I could take you with me to Ontario yet?"

"I have an idea," said Telpekemen. "It'th thith. You thaid that thethe planeth have luggage compartmenth. Tho, we thneak into the one on the plane you're on, and Thmeagol cometh with uth. You thaid it'th cold, but we don't get cold. Pack thome blanket'th for Thmeagol and we'll be thet."

"Not bad," Ria said. "But how about getting off and through the airport without anyone noticing you?"

"We are the Nathgul," said Tepekemen proudly. "We won't have problemth."

She glanced askance at him. "OK, if you say so."

"Leave usss now, Ria, you mussst not raissse sssussspisssionsss," Goraldaion suggested. Ria nodded and shut the door behind her. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Ria, what was that sound?" her mother asked when she ascended the stairs back into the kitchen.

"A rat got caught in the mousetrap and it was thrashing around. I killed it and threw it in the field," Ria lied glibly. No need for her parents to know that the incident she described had actually happened sometime last week.

Ria was slow to finish supper, as she was not eager to face the others, nor the mess in her room from that morning.

"Oh, Ria," called her father from the kitchen as they cleared up, "would you mind going down to the grain elevator and returning that shovel to Mr. Tavis? I said I'd bring it back when I was done but I've got to go back to the fields for awhile."

"Right dad," Ria answered. She was out the door and grabbing the shovel from where it leaned against the side of the house before either one could say anything else.

She ran as fast as she could, the shovel held before her like a javelin as she dashed down the main street to the large white grain elevator standing alone at the far edge of town.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Mr. Tavis wasn't there when Ria opened the door in the elevator. She sneezed at the moldy chaff that floated in the air and carefully leaned the shovel against the wall near his office door.

Ria froze as a man's voice suddenly echoed around the grain elevator's dark interior. "Who goes there?"

"It's Ria," she called back hesitantly. It didn't sound like anyone she knew in town, and she knew almost everyone, but the building was well known for disorting sounds.

"And who might Ria be?" The voice was deep, authorative and a little pompous. There was a slight musical tone to it that occasionally broke and became harsher. Ria was now certain she had never heard this man before.

"Ria Fawcett. Where are you? Mr. Tavis is out. What do you want?"

"I am behind this large stack of exceedingly provoking hay. I wish to find my way out!"

"If you go to the left, there should be a pathway between the bales," she suggested.

Ria heard scuffling, and then a tall figure emerged out of the shadows into the gloomy half-light that the open door provided. He brushed himself off and plucked hay out of his clothes and hair. 

"My thanks, my lady. What strange place may this be?"

Ria started choking, but not just from the fresh chaff and dust. This can't be happening, she thought in horror. It just can't! I don't need this, I really don't need this, why is he here -

"You are in a grain elevator," she managed to wheeze out. "And you are in the town of Eyebrow (My god, how ironic, she thought with nervous amusement), in the province of Saskatchewan, country of Canada."

"I know not these names." He frowned, his narrow face pale in the twilight.

"You wouldn't - Lord Elrond," Ria replied in a choked whisper.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A/N - poor, poor, Ria. Elrond AND the Nazgul AND Gollum? How much worse can it get?... 

Please review. Isn't it a lovely word? To fanfiction authors it is like the tolling of a beautiful bell. Make me happy and review like you never have before. Suggestions are always welcome. Sometimes writer's block does get the better of me. 


	10. Earth Is Doomed, Probably

A/N - I really really really apologize for the long period without updates. If you were keeping up with my other stories, you'll have realized I'm on an HP rampage - it's epic! It's been nearly four months! So I kinda shoved these LoTR stories on the backburner, but I will try to continue them soon. I'll roll the plotball a little farther along. Plotballs can be amusing, although mine are generally very heavy and ponderous. Especially this plotball. *shoves plotball* C'mon, roll, for Eru's sake! Roll! ROLL DAMN YOU! *shoves plotball so hard that she overbalances and falls. Plotball refuses to move* Grrrrrr.... Oh. Wait! Idea! I should put the plotball on a HILL! *looks proud of self*

Disclaimer - I own nothing, to my knowledge. Sometimes I think Gollum possesses my brain, but that's beside the point, isn't it?

Earth Is Doomed

"How did you know my name?" Elrond frowned, his dramatic eyebrows flaring higher. Ria resisted a manic urge to giggle.

"I've had a few - strange - visitors lately, Lord Elrond," she attempted to explain. "Most noteably a few people that you consider - err - evil. Namely, Gollum, and the Nazgul."

Elrond paled. "You are jesting."

"Nope, sorry, sir," Ria said. "It's the absolute truth. They're staying in my basement right now. Actually, they're not all that bad. The Nazgul are pretty friendly, for the most part - oh, except for the Squealer. He's pretty mad at me. Anyways, that doesn't matter. What matters is that you can't stay here in this grain elevator tonight, but I can't really bring you into the house because, quite frankly, Elrond, you look pretty odd for our world."

"Your world?" Elrond questioned sharply. "What do you mean? Is this not Middle-Earth?"

"Not Middle-Earth. It's Earth. Totally different. Um...I'll explain on the way back to my place." Ria's mind was going a thousand miles an hour. Putting in Elrond with the Nazgul and Gollum in her basement would be a mistake. But she couldn't just leave him out in the streets of Eyebrow! He might not be one of her favourite Tolkien characters, but he was an Elf-lord, and he was stuck on Earth with nowhere else to go. So what should she do? 

She'd have to lie, majorly. 

Ria and Elrond left the grain elevator, and Ria attempted to explain something about Earth to Elrond while still thinking of plausible lies she could tell her parents. She'd changed her mind. Elrond would have to be introduced to her parents. And she had a plan. She just hoped it would work.

"So last night Gollum showed up in my bedroom, and this afternoon the Nazgul appeared in the town museum, along with the Ring," Ria finished. "And now you show up. Lord Elrond, I can understand how the others got here, but what about you?"

Elrond shrugged. "I do not know. In the Undying Lands I wandered far and wide, and not long ago I discovered a small window in the air. You could not see it - rather, you felt it was there. I stepped through it and found myself in that dark, musty place -"

"The grain elevator."

"Yes, the grain elevator, whatever that is."

By this point the two had reached Ria's street. Ria stopped and turned to Elrond. His fine Elven robes looked extremely odd under the streetlight. "Ok. Here's the deal. Elrond, my house is just up ahead. I'll introduce you to my parents, but try not to say too much. I'll have to do most of the talking, but it is of utmost importance that we keep your real identity a secret. My parents won't understand. All you have to do is agree with whatever I say. And if they ask, which they will, tell them you're a local actor and your vehicle broke down out by the grain elevator, and you think the transmission's shot."

Elrond stared. "I do not know why I am trusting you, miss Ria, but it seems there is not much else I can do right now. It would be rude to refuse your hospitality, despite the nefarious methods we must resort to."

"Good. Now, just be nice and polite to my parents. Oh - and hide your pointy ears with your hair."

Elrond's eyebrows shot up even farther, but he did as Ria asked.

Ria opened the door and walked into the house.

"Oh, thanks, Ria," her mom said. She looked up, and her jaw dropped. "Ria, who's this?"

"Mom, this is Mr. -er- Rond," Ria made up hurriedly. Elrond's Elven regalia was having quite an effect on her mom, who was staring in absolute bewilderment. "His car broke down outside the elevator, so he's stuck in town for the night."

"Why is he here? Mr. Rond, couldn't you have stayed in the hotel?"

"No vacancy," Ria said quickly. She was getting to be quite the expert liar.

"Oh. Well, uh, Mr. Rond, I suppose we can - make up the guest room. You'll just be staying for one night, won't you?" It was a good thing her parents had generally kind hearts - at least, regarding anything human-looking and alive, and not undead, which Elrond fortunately was, unlike the Nazgul or Gollum.

Elrond nodded, his own face rather bewildered. But he hid it well. Good manners, Ria supposed. If you were an Elven lord you'd have to learn a lot of those.

The Elf-lord was very quiet as the Fawcetts went about making preparations for him. The only things he said were, "Thank you," and "Good night," when the room was ready. Then he went in and locked himself inside. Ria tried not to feel offended, knowing that if she was in the same situation, she would want to be by herself as well.

"Ria, who is that man? He dresses so very strange...yet, he looks almost familiar. He doesn't talk much, does he?"

"He's an actor, mom...he told me on the way here. He was just heading home from a play. I think he's a little shy, is all."

"Well, honestly, Ria, I wish you hadn't had to invite him here. You're leaving very early in the morning tomorrow for Ontario."

Ria had a sudden inspiration. "So is Mr. Rond, actually. Same flight, I asked. I think he may need to be driven in to the airport tomorrow. Can he come with us?"

"Well, I suppose so..."

"Great. Thanks mom, I'm sure he'll appreciate it." She gave her mom a quick kiss on the cheek then dashed off. For some strange reason, she felt it was essential to talk to the Nazgul and Gollum right now.

*~*~*

"We're doomed," Ria said despondently, hanging her head. She had just finished explaining to the others what had happened.

"Doomed?" Pennondo said. "Why do you say that?"

"How are we all going to get to Ontario without either of my parents finding out anything? What can we do to keep the Ring from being a threat in our world? How the hell do I keep you guys from being noticed and taken away if - no, when - the press finds out? Because they will, they're mad for news, and I can't stand the thought of what will happen if everything falls apart!" Ria was nearly in tears. The past couple days had been very stressful. Who did she have to trust? No one. "You can't do anything to look more normal, because a) you're undead wraiths, and b) a small slimy green guy who looks like he should have died hundreds of years ago. Elrond can look sort of normal if I borrow some of my dad's clothes for him to wear, but this is going to be impossible!"

"Not impossible, I think," Lhunath mused. "The Nazgul, we are skilled at bein' unseen and goin' unnoticed, we know what we are doin'. Don't fret your head about it, wee one."

Ria sniffled. "But I am."

"Whut waz all that about a sistar in Taranna?" Valin asked. "Can't yew send a messahge tuh her?"

She stared in disbelief, then slapped herself hard on the forehead. "I am such an idiot!" she groaned. Ria sprinted out of the room and was back a second later, carrying the cordless phone. She dialled her sister's number, and waited as it rung.

"What's that?" Pherthond asked.

"A phone. You can talk into it and give messages to people who are far away. Shh!"

"Hello?"

"Tan? It's Ria."

"Ri?" Her sister's voice grew warm. "Good to hear from you! What's up?"

"You're not going to believe this, Tanya."

"Why? Has something come up? Aren't you coming anymore?"

"No. On the contrary - Tan, you have to swear that you'll believe me, because every word is true -"

"I swear."

"Good." Ria proceeded to explain the events of the last couple days. 

Silence from Tanya's end.

"Tan? Are you still there?"

Her sister gave a short, husky laugh. "I'm still here. Oh my god. You mean to say this is the absolute truth?"

"Yes. I'm sitting in a room surrounded by Nazgul right now."

"Oh my GOD!" Tanya's voice went up an octave. "OK, Tanya, think clearly. OK. So you've figured out how to get the Nazgul and Gollum here?"

"Yes. Elrond's a bit of a problem though."

"Does he really have those freaky eyebrows?"

"Yes!"

"Oh my god!" Tanya started laughing hysterically.

"Tanya, calm down, I need your help!"

"Sorry. Sorry. I'm having a bit of a nervous reaction. Can't really blame me though, can you? And you've managed to hide them all from Mom and Dad?"

"Except Elrond."

"Oh my god."

"Tanya, calm down. I thought you were the sensible one."

"I am! OK. Elrond. He needs a plane ticket, right? And let me guess - you're broke."

"Basically. No part-time job and Mom and Dad won't let me get my driver's license so I can go elsewhere."

"All right. Look, I'll hang up and go online. I'll order the ticket - hope the flight's not full - no, don't panic, it's not going to be! You'll get it tomorrow when you check through at the airport. Don't worry about what's going to happen when you're all here. I'll think of something."

"Tan, you're the best." Ria grinned.

"Wait. Did you say that Gollum still has the Ring?"

"He picked it up in the old Eyebrow museum."

Tanya groaned. "If the wrong people get their hands on it - Earth is doomed. Come to think of it, we may be doomed anyways."

"Definitely. What else do you think has been bugging me? Besides my visitors?"

"It sounds like I wasn't the only one having a nervous reaction," Tanya said. "Don't worry, Ri, everything's going to turn out just fine. Well, as fine as it'll get with those guys here. Just get calm and try not to think too much; it hurts when you've got too much to absorb."

"Tell me about it. See you tomorrow?"

"I'll be waiting to pick you up. 'Bye."

*~*~*

A/N - so Ria is forestalled from a nervous breakdown. Thank you Valin! *hugs Nazgul* *double-takes* OMG, I just hugged a Nazgul. @_@


	11. Turbulence

A/N - Finally, finally, finally! I updated! (happy dance) I've been slacking off on all my fanfictions, not just this one....so don't yell at us! (cringes) Cruel reviewers, always pessstering us! And that's not very nice of them is it? No preciouss...not very nice at all.

Actually, you have all been abnormally kind to me. Thanks to your patronage you've made this one of my most popular fics! Go you! Cookies to everyone!

As you can probably tell by my misquoting of Gollum line above...I've seen RoTK...twice...and IT WAS AWESOME! Except Gollum really pissed me off. I mean, _really_ pissed me off. That cliff above Minas Morgul? Wouldn't it just be so sweet just to dropkick the little $!&% over the edge? (sighs) I think it would...(slaps self out of sadistic daydream) AnYwAyZ...I think I meant to warn you that I might not be so nice to Gollum in the next couple chapters as I have been (comparatively) in the past.

Disclaimer - I own nothing. As usual. No one'll give me anything. U.U

Turbulence

"What's that sound?" Ria's dad asked his family.

In the back seat beside her mother (Elrond was riding shotgun), Ria cringed. She could hear it very clearly.

"Nassssty Ria!" howled Gollum. "Let us out, let us ooout! Cruel hurtful Ria locks us in nasssty dark place. Doesn't smell nice either, oh not at all preciousss! Let us out! Let us go free!"

Ria turned up the volume on her Discman. "I don't hear anything, Dad. Are you sure it's not some other car?"

"I don't hear anything either, dear," Mrs. Fawcett said absently. She was in the middle of reading - very ironically, Ria thought - _Lord of the Rings_. She'd finally gotten around to it after seeing the movies. Ria honestly didn't think that having read up to the chapter _Shelob's Lair_ in _The Two Towers_ would drastically improve her parents' reaction to discover that Gollum was in their trunk.

Ria had had a very interesting time attempting to figure out how to bring along her new companions. Elrond was easy, of course. Gollum...well, let's just say Ria had a very interesting time trying to get him into the trunk. She'd had to toss out two shirts because he'd ripped the arm off of one and she'd bled all over the other one. In spite of it being about thirty degrees Celcius outside, Ria was wearing a longsleeved shirt to hide the big bandage from her parents. She hoped the bite wouldn't get infected.

The Nazgul had been another problem. They had only reassured her that they would meet up with her at the airport before sneaking off with Gollum to hide in the luggage compartment of her plane. She had no idea where they were or how they were getting there. She only hoped it wasn't against the law, because if they were caught that would be the end of everything.

Her eyes kept darting nervously around the car. She was just lucky her dad was occupied with driving and her mom was deeply absorbed in _The Two Towers_. Elrond sat stiff and nervous in the front seat, flinching every time a car passed them going in the opposite direction. He was very uneasy, and quite frankly Ria was a little worried about how he would react to the plane ride. If he was this nervous in a car....

Ria sighed, stared blankly out the window.

And her jaw hit the doorframe.

I did not just see that, she thought frantically, rubbing at her eyes.

But she had.

The Nazgul had found their horses. And they were riding them across the fields. But they were no longer wearing their old, familiar black robes.

One thought crossed Ria's mind: Where on _Earth_ did they find the Bermuda shorts and those horrid gaudy shirts?

---later---

Ria spied the Nazgul filing past her towards the terminal and sidled over to them, trying to be inconspicuous, which is rather difficult if you are being seen with a group of extremely pale men wearing brilliant Bermuda shorts and gaudy tourist shirts. (If you didn't look closely you didn't notice that they were wraiths and not people who looked like they'd been locked in a sunless basement for three decades.)

"What did you do, rob Cheezy Tourist Clothes R Us?" she hissed. "I thought you said you wouldn't be seen!"

"We never ssssaid that we would not be sssseeen. We ssssaid that we would fit in," said Goraldaion.

"No, you specifically said that you _would not be seen_! And besides which, who around here do you see dressed like you? _Who_? You are _not_ fitting in!"

"The lass is right," muttered Lhunath unhappily. "I did be warning you."

"I don't know," commented Pherthond. "I rather like this outfit."

Ria groaned, knowing there was nothing more she could do about it. "Just get on the plane. Oh - wait. Have you got Gollum?"

Donarda moved aside to reveal Gollum crouched in the centre of the group, groaning to himself.

"All right. See you in Toronto."

The Nazgul moved off. Pherthond and Valin turned and waved cheerily before they disappeared from sight.

---later---

The inflight movie was, ironically enough, _Return of The King_. Ria was quite frankly getting sick of irony. Irony had definitely worn out its welcome, in her opinion.

Irony looked ashamed and guilty, and slunk out the door. Ria waved good-bye happily....

Ria was jolted out of her half-dream by funny voices in her earphones. She had fallen asleep with them on.

"What do this does wire its connected if here to?"

"Andwath! What if that wire is important to the running of this _'air-plate'? You will end up causing us to crash!"_

"Big deal no. See? Happened nothing!"

"Nooo...leave us alone! We does not wish to talk to nassssty cruel wraiths. Go away!"

"Whal, that's not vury naice, thayre. Ah wuz oanly trahyin' ter help!"

"Valin! These square objects, do you know what they are?"

"Nao clue. Maybe thay're fer us ter sit ohn."

"I say, then this 'air-place' whatchacallit is most considerate! Don't you think?"

"Yeth indeed. Thethe are motht comfortable. Hey - therthe'th thlidy thingth on the thideth. Thethe thingth open!" The sound of various zippers being pulled made Ria close her eyes in resigned horror.

"Shreeeee! Eeeeeyaaaaagh! Wheeeee!"

"Ssssshut up, Ssssssquealer."

Elrond, sitting in the seat beside Ria, tapped her shoulder. "Pardon me, miss Ria...can you explain to me why there appear to be voices speaking through these - these things that sit on one's head - that sound like the Ringwraiths and Gollum, and not like the magical pictures at the front of this chamber?"

"You can hear them too?" Ria groaned.

"Yes...."

"Andwath's screwing around with wiring...." she said quietly.

_"Ow!"_

"Sssstop ssssstepping on me!"

"Andwath is resolved to induce voluminous furor by vandalizing this 'air-plaid' from the interior outward."

"Thank you, Donarda. We would never have worked it out without your help." Pennondo sounded pained.

Ria slumped in her seat. Only two more hours of this lunacy to go.... she told herself. You can last two hours without going insane.....

Right?


End file.
